My karaoke repertoire has gotten very melancholy this year. RIP Donna Summer.
For all their annoying copy, Groupon must sort of know what’s going on. I mean, I’ve clicked on this Facebook ad at least twice hoping that it will lead me to more photos of baby pigs in boots (hint: it does not).
Monster Candy Was A Hair Band I Formed in 1987 (Home and Abroad)
“An abundance of home furnishings can protect you when Dracula claws through the dry wall because your blood smells like monster candy.”
I mean, there is nothing accurate about this advice for dealing with vampires.
Taking a Strong Stance (Park South Dentistry)
“Dr. Janash’s dental practice prides itself both on the quality of care delivered and the caliber of its friendly service, quirks sure to make the whole experience much more pleasant than watching bacon grease solidify.”
One more mention of bacon grease and you’re grounded.
Breakfast Was Ruined (Jean-Claude Biguine Salon)
“Homemade conditioning mixtures crafted from egg whites, pickle relish, and bacon grease may briefly soften hair, but they also attract unwanted dog licking and expectant ostriches looking for nests.”
I’m Glad This Isn’t Remotely True (Black Label Nails)
“When left uncared for, resentful hands and feet can go rogue, disrupting important business meetings with nose-honking versions of the Charleston.”
Meth use seems like the most likely explanation.
Geography Lessons (Madera Restaurant)
“With its ever-changing coordinates and conspicuous absence from the Beach Boys’ “Kokomo,” Cuba is one of the more difficult to locate of the Caribbean nations.”
Does this work like Hermione’s unplottable charm in Harry Potter?
“Just as Santa Claus does for disobedient children, On the Nile Café & Restaurant offers unlimited coal, ensuring ample inhalations of peach, mint, grape, or cantaloupe-infused hookah smoke.”
Good! That’ll keep the kids away from tobacco!
